Hey Yall!! As usual, I appreciate the feedback I've been getting from my previous blogs. Your insight and understanding of my writings drive me to find more stuff in my world to write about. Some of you have been commenting on my grammatical errors so I figure I'd address that issue. Just to let you all know, I try to use decent punctuation, but I'm not worried about the grammar. My sole purpose of my blogs are to write as if I'm speaking directly towards you in a laid back casual atmosphere. I realize it is hard for some of you overly analytical folks to understand, but who cares...It's my world! So Sit Back and enjoy! :D
At first I was planning on writing a Thank You Blog Highlighting all the folks that has "Hyped" me in my life or driven me to push harder because they were "Hatin" on my skills. However, After my last blog I've had many conversations on this next topic that could not be ignored any longer! So If I've had conversations with you on this topic, realize I'm not singling you out because you are not the only one that shared your views.
So without further adu(yes I know adieu. LOL)....Today's Blog topic is....MARRIAGE!
Now Let me start off first and say I am a firm Proponent of Marriage! After all I am the seed of a Marriage that has lasted 39 year this coming January 10th. My parents union has given me the benchmark for which my relationships exist today! However for all that is good, there is always a bad...the what if...the how bout if this happens! One thing about my parents is that from what I could tell, they never held much back! I mean I'm sure there was more to it then what I'm aware of but like the Poem "Mother to Son" by Langston Hughes...Life has been no crystal stair(I know because I'm the person that they talk to about their issues with one another)! But at the end of the day...after 39 years, they are still together.
So with that being said I wanted to talk about what I see in My World, and how I feel about marriage. I'll start by saying this...Just like College, Marriage isn't for everyone! Though I'm Not Married and have never been close to being married, I don't feel that everyone should be joined in a union. It's My Opinion so don't judge me! Many women out there are so engulfed with the thought of walking down that Isle that they fail to realize that the guy they are laying down with probably isn't trying to marry you, or they are just NOT the best person for you. But you want to be married sooo bad that you do anything and everything to get to that point.
Men! Some of ya'll stick with chicks because your girl is a stone cold freak and her "Becky" is out of this world! You look past the fact that she hits the club with her friends every weekend partying till 3-4am even though the club closes at 2. Now there's nothing wrong with hittin the club, but every weekend? Really? You are just a jump-off with a title huh?
The point I'm getting at on this topic of Marriage is that if marriage is what you are looking for, are you making yourself a desirable product?! And are you at the state in your life where you yourself are good Marriage Potential(Don't Lie)? Most of us aren't! What perception do folks have of you? What Perception do you have of yourself? Have you talked to your partner about the "What if's." What happens if we are Not together? What happens if we have kids? What happens if you cheat on me?...You get my drift! I'm a firm believer that in any type of relationship, it is just as important to talk about the bad as it is to talk about the good. The fact is there are no Guarantees in life and just like Hurricane Katrina...your life can be turned upside down at the blink of an eye! And there you sit lonely and heartbroken because you never thought it would happen to you!
I'll sum everything up by adding some stats for my analytical folks out there because as we have been well versed on, "Men Lie, Women Lie, but Numbers don't Lie!" Commitments and Confirmations before GOD are broken on a rapid pace! Have you discussed your requirements? My guess is Not!!
So as Usual, Hype it or Hate it...Really doesn't matter because it's My World...Ya'll Just Live In It.
Check out http://www.bgsu.edu/downloads/cas/file35757.pdf. This document breaks down divorce rates by race.
Age at marriage for those who divorce in America Age Women Men
Women Men
Under 20 years old 27.6% 11.7%
20 to 24 years old 36.6% 38.8%
25 to 29 years old 16.4% 22.3%
30 to 34 years old 8.5% 11.6%
35 to 39 years old 5.1% 6.5%
The divorce rate in America for first marriage, vs second or third marriage
50% percent of first marriages, 67% of second and 74% of third marriages end in divorce, according to Jennifer Baker of the Forest Institute of Professional Psychology in Springfield, Missouri.”
According to enrichment journal on the divorce rate in America:
The divorce rate in America for first marriage is 41%
The divorce rate in America for second marriage is 60%
The divorce rate in America for third marriage is 73%
The divorce rate in America for childless couples and couples with children
According to discovery channel, couples with children have a slightly lower rate of divorce than childless couples.
Sociologists believe that childlessness is also a common cause of divorce. The absence of children leads to loneliness and weariness and even in the United States, at least 66 per cent of all divorced couples are childless.
LOL, I'm going to take issue with the 'childless' stats. There is a difference between being childless by choice (which may affirm your reason to be together) and childless by chance (infertility, age, or spousal disagreement on having kids). MANY people get married before discussing children, and when one partner wants a child, and the other does not, it typically ends in divorce. Sometimes partners change their minds about wanting kids, some people put off the decision until there is no decision to make. Men who are married to older women (35+) who can't have kids have the option of remarrying younger women and still having a biological family. Additionally, married people are more likely to stay in an unsatisfying union FOR the sake of the kids... meaning that divorce rates and marital satisfaction rates should probably be disentangled and discussed concurrently. (childless couples score higher on marital satisfaction surveys) These variables get subsumed in simplistic statistical narratives and should not be conflated with the notion that if you don't want/have kids, you are more likely to get divorced. What is important is that you and your partner are on the same page, kids or no kids. I think that fits perfectly with what you were saying, Stacy, about having important talks with your partner!
ReplyDeleteWow Stacy, what a topic to talk about! I noticed the stats for the age at marriage divorce rate...I think many of us (especially me) rush into marriage right after college. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. I've been married going on ten years this Feb. and I was the LAST person who would think it would've lasted that long! I'm just being real, y'all know me! However, who knows how long it will last? Marriage is HARD WORK, and being married to the military makes it even HARDER!! I can't speak for other people, but you have got to have good communication skills and a sense of humor to get through it. I am a firm believer in saying what you mean. If I lay it out to you what I expect and you tell me what you expect, there are no surpises and few sorries. I'm going to have to revisit this blog with more, but I wanted to share that little bit with you.
ReplyDeleteWell this is always a fun topic in the black community! Here are a few things that I wonder about... how do we balance this need to establish ourselves financially and in careers, mature to a place where we can have a healthy relationship AND get married and start families BEFORE biological limitations sabotage our best laid plans? Men complain very often about women pressuring them to get married too soon, but there are very real consequences to delaying childbearing until your later fertility years. When are we going to have a real discussion about the fact that members of our community lacksidasically(sp?) getting married at 35 is not in the best interest of the community as a whole. (and at 15K per round, IVF is not cheap with only a 30% success rate)
ReplyDeleteSo, how do we balance this socio-psychological need to extend young adulthood and stave off commitment and responsibility with a biologically finite timeline, when we seem to be pushing towards the upperbounds?
You know I never knew about the age issue in women until this year. I was watching The Real Housewives of Atlanta and one of the doctors mentioned it. I was like Wow...Learn something new every day!
ReplyDeleteThe biological thing has been pushed primarily as the domain of women's concerns, but new studies suggest that older men (35+) have children with lower IQs and higher incidence of genetic abnormalities. It is hypothesized that the ideal timing for men and women are simultaneous, with rapid declines after 35. Men might maintain their fertility, but quality declines with age, just like it does for women, we just have a finite end point.
ReplyDeletehttp://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/30035348/ (you can find the more scientific version of the study results, through google, I was just being lazy, lol)
Hmmm...I never knew! I just got a strange feeling to put something up in someone!! LOL...Joke
ReplyDeleteVery Interesting artical Lexis. Very Interesting...I never knew! Oh well...I'll deal with that when the time comes!
ReplyDeleteQuestion: Where are our priorities? In a culture of 'free and easy sex', how do we get people past the superficial here and now, to thinking about long term, stable relationships? If people are confusing sex with love, are they willing to give up sex to find love? As men and women, are we willing to abstain from engaging in sex so that we can engage is deep and honest intimacy, in order to find a partner to marry?
ReplyDeleteI don't have much time to respond, but I really do like this blog. The divorce rates are staggering and it can be discouraging to people (like me) who really do want to get married. BUT my parents like Stacy's have been together for a really long time so I know that it can be done :-)
ReplyDeleteNow, on to AskerofQuestions. You actually brought up a thought that I have been having for a while now. I'm young, but I'm old enough to start thinking about who I want to be with long term. As a female, a lot of times there's more pressure on us to act certain ways or we won't be respected and even though a man will have sex with a woman, he won't "wife her". I'm finding more and more that even though I have certain desires or "needs", I'm holding out (or suffering...lol) because I want men to want me for more than sex. But it doesn't seem like many men I know have this issue (of feeling like they need to just stop having sex so women can consider them for long term). I've been in a situation where I was only with one guy, did everything I could for him, and still he didn't want to be with me. AND he was the one who pursued the "relationship" (calling every day, saying things about long term, that even I didn't expect him to say, etc). I don't know, maybe I'm still a little naive, but I'm learning.
Anyway, I can go on and on, but what are women to do? Do we just keep it locked, no matter how long it takes for a man to want to commit? Why doesn't it seem that men have this problem? Or do they?
Candace
*And I only posted as anonymous because I can't figure out how to post with my name right now*
I hope what I wrote makes sense...lol....I'm rushing trying to write a paper a the same time!
ReplyDeleteCandace
Not that anyone was asking for my advice, but to Candace, my suggestion is to have marriage ON your menu, but not let marriage BE your menu. Your menu should be full of things that you would like to do/accomplish, including hobbies, traveling, etc. Get outside, go to events, explore the world solo, and enjoy yourself. Men are attracted to confident, joyful, interesting women. And when you get in a relationship, keep doing the things that make you happy, like going out and being social, having a seperate life, etc. At the very least, you will be happy and busy. Probably too busy to be lonely...
ReplyDeleteAs for sex, I couldn't tell you. My fiance' and I have only 'been' with each other, and not until 2 years after we started dating. I don't think it takes that long for someone to know if they are serious about you, so take that with a grain of salt. And NEVER get married just to have sex.
Well Anonymous...I'll also give my 2 cents to Candace. Not to go all Steve Harvey on you but I would be weary of any person that approaches me off top saying they want a relationship with me! The first thing I'd ask is WHY? You don't know me and I don't know you! It's a game to tug on your emotions because we men know how to address that emotion which is in all women.
ReplyDeleteAs for sex goes, I don't think most men expect you to be a virgin and matter of fact I know we don't expect that. Women time and time again tell me they were doing this to make this guy happy or that to make a guy happy, when in the end...Those things NEVER made them happy! If she would of asked Dude what made him happy she wouldn't of been spinning her wheels doing God knows what!!
And last but not least, men go through periods of not having sex as well, but as the cry of the confederacy says..."The South Shall RISE AGAIN!!"
lol...ok gotcha!
ReplyDeleteLOL @"The South Shall Rise Again!" Priceless!
ReplyDeleteJust wanted to note that Anon focused their commentary on things to make the woman happy and self sufficient, whereas Stacy is describing women who are trying to please a man. Very different mindstates and perspectives. But yes, Stacy, you are right, women probably should ask their men what they like/what makes them happy. And if he doesn't reciprocate the question, he might be selfish, and you might need to walk...
Oh and thanks Anonymous! I just scrolled up and saw your comment too :-)
ReplyDeleteCandace,
ReplyDeleteTo post with your name, select "Name/URL" from the drop down menu. Fill in your name, and you can use a URL if you have one (like a blog or FB page), or leave it blank. Then hit "Post Comment"
:)
Lol...thanks! I'm going back and forth b/t my paper and this blog so I wasn't even trying to figure it out.
ReplyDelete"Only 34 percent of African- American children today are raised in two-parent households, a sharp contrast to 1966, when 85 percent of black children were raised by two parents." - Hill Harper, 'The Conversation.'
ReplyDeleteI think this goes to the heart of the matter. What kinds of communities are we creating with our unwillingness to commit to one another? Is the purpose of marriage companionship, or stable families? How are the choices available to us the same or different to those offered to our parents? Can I say that I admire how my grandfather treated my grandmother, and still treat women like something disposable? Is marriage obsolete or out-dated?
As I've said in my Blog...The Numbers don't lie! I used to feel like I had nothing to be thankful for, but the older I get the more I am very thankful for my parents bond. Not always the strongest bond, but an un-breakable bond that I value and appreciate. I have not been able to duplicate such a bond, but at least I have seen it!
ReplyDeletethe comments that I hear the most from men:
ReplyDelete"I'd just like to find a woman who is nice. Women aren't even nice anymore, and I don't want to fight all the time."
Also, men just out of college (21-24) view the world as their oyster, see themselves as a hot commodity, and that they don't have to settle or compromise because there are so many black women looking for black men. By age 27-29, they are tired of the clubbing, kickin' it, the party scene, etc, and want to settle into a good relationship with marriage potential. At 30+ they are lamenting all the good ones that they let get away, and warning the younger guys not to take women for granted. And they are convince that all the women who are left are jaded and saddled with baggage.
Soooo...what I hear from men! Do you feel it's different for women? Because as a man I see the same thing in that 21-24 age range in women. The 25- to 30 range in women they are scrambling to get married to anyone that talks sweet to them and acts like they want to be married! By then even if the guys a complete ass they hold on to him because they feel he's their last hope, or they do get married only to feel like they should of waited...Just my thoughts
ReplyDeleteMy .02 is that some folks got together young and work things out, most of the rest spent their time wildn' out. Then everyone gets all religious an holy, and the women in particular sit on their hands and say that God is going to bring their man to them. If I hear one more woman say 'Jesus is my man', I might die.
ReplyDeleteSo I recently saw a movie called Nothing But a Man, it was released in 1964...and I found it really interesting that some of the themes around marriage back then are the same as they are now. Man resisting marriage, woman resisting just being used for sex, male's friends discouraging marriage, etc, etc, etc. The couple in the movie do get married and struggle, and ultimately make it because they are COMMITTED. Like Stacy alluded to in his blog, commitment just doesn't mean so much to folks anymore, which is why the statistics kind of stink. Also, it seems as if many men think about a wife as a burden, marriage as the "lock down" rather than thinking about their wife as a blessing, and marriage as a union that pleases God. Who wants an additional burden in their lives? Perceptions need to change. I, too, was blessed to grow up with parents who have been married for over 35 years, so I believe it is possible!
ReplyDeletei know i'm late. but i love to read your blogs, especially one of interest to me. i'm 32, never married, but it is definitely a desire of mine to be married. i know that marriage is hard work as in any relationship one is interested in pursuing. i also agree with you when you stated the differences in women and their ideology about rushing to be married. i think one of the differences in women and men are that women (some)try to date for the marriage relationship and men really don't date or look to pursue anything outside of a physical relationship (not all but some). i think that if a person really wants to be married, in the right way as in the biblical sense, it really is going to take an effort of submitting to the will of God and what he wants. and i admit at this point that's hard since i have been trying to find the person myself. so far off what God has told me...but hey i can admit my mistakes. with that being said, i definitely don't want to be a divorce statisitc, so maybe waiting is my best bet, however as i get older, i am more concerned about having children, early menopause, and diabetes are both against me, but with God all things are possible...RIGHT??? :-)
ReplyDelete