A Cautionary Tale

As usual, my first run always is terrible in punctuation and grammar.  I'll edit in another day as these are my real thoughts.  The picture above is an over head view of someone's heart.


When I was a kid, I used to wake up early in the morning and write.  I'd have so many thoughts in my head that the only way I could get over or through anything was to write.  So I did....

And here I am this am.  I debated for weeks about this post, because it's probably the most personal of any post I've ever written.  This is a cautionary tale of heartbreak and how it affects you.  Sigh


I'll start my story on May 14th, at 9:32 pm.   Why do I remember the exact date?  Well because It was pretty significant.  It changed my life.  And little did I know it was the start of me marking dates and times of pain and/or suffering.

Sigh again, I was in love.  Like really in love.  When I was a kid, I just knew that I would go to college, play ball and find someone to spend my life with.  I mean, after all, my parents were married at 19 and 21 respectively and they made it.  Surely I could do the same.  Or so I thought.  Ok, back to the day, I and my prospective future had broken away and her new living situation was a little too close for comfort.  What do I mean by to close?  I mean right in front of me, and with another gentleman.  So close that I could open my door and see inside.  The thought of this haunts me to this day because you can only imagine what I heard or saw, and I did.  I won't get into the details, but let's just say my heart was broken and in a moment of rage, all I could think of was breaking another heart.  I was floored.  No, I really thought I stopped breathing and something else took over my body.  I was no longer the kid from the country, I was something, something unimaginable.  I was dead.  I saw it...I smelled it....I could actually taste it.  Those that know me understand that I have a pretty high level of sensory, especially smell.  Evil has an odor, once you smell it...You will always remember it!

Another time in my life I became crumbled sorta, kinda by choices.  Choices I made, in essence, to avoid being hurt again, but also choices by a great person to stay quiet  I have to be careful here as It's early in the morning per my usual and my thoughts are flowing like the waters of the ocean.  Here I am again, looking at someone wishing I could be someone else's life and it felt good.  Nope, It felt great.  I was never really committal.  Not because I didn't want to, but the circles are so small and I'm a VERY private person.  I have Friends, acquaintances, and some folks I just kick it with when it's convenient.  I didn't need everyone in knowing me or anything about me at that time.  Obviously, that didn't fly over well.  And it didn't!  So fast forward, in life, we all can be on such different timeframes that it can really kill any relationship.  We talked about a family once and I didn't feel ready at the time.  I'm not backtracking now.  I just wasn't!  not that I didn't want one, I just didn't know what I could bring to the table and was scared to not feel prepared.  I also didn't think we were ready at the time.  Too much confusion the time surrounding us and that seemed idiotic at the time in my eyes.  You can only guess what happens from here so I'll skip the details and say I was floored by the outcome.  The predictable outcome didn't come immediately, but many years after.  The same year that I lost one of my best friends, losing my dad, and leaving a job so that I could be more stable and actually start a family.  Yup you heard right.  I laugh now because I remember going home just to sleep and my niece, bless her heart, thought I was on drugs and was ready to do an intervention.  I wasn't on any drugs....However, maybe I was?  Yeah, I overdosed actually and wanted to tap out!

Life goes on and we all move forward and the blessing of it all makes me laugh uncontrollably at times.  It became a joy in my life and I'm thankful for it in whatever capacity I get to enjoy them.

My last story is another cautionary tale of distrust, timing, and feeling like you can work anything out.  I knew them for about 8 years.  Went through a mountain of good and bad with them but for whatever reason, we always stayed connected.  Heck, I even said 3 words to this person.  The 3 words that you can never take back once you've said it and they shared the same sentiment.  I remember the day I said that too, but I won't say the day.  But I will say that the day after, the expression of those 3 words were broken.  I really didn't know the extent of how at the time but I knew whatever happened at the time required extreme caution at the time.  Many years later this person is back into my life and we decide to actually try us as an attempt never really happened.  During this time one of her goals was to reveal her truths.  One of them was, to be honest and that's what she did.  The truth I'll focus on was what really happened years ago.  Now I'd like to act like it didn't bother me, but it did.  It bothered me to no end but I also wanted to push past it.  We decided in the beginning 3 things.  The first thing was that the only reason that we are trying is for permanent(marriage), two, that I need to believe your emotions.  Basically, if you are happy then don't fake happiness and if you are sad then be sad.  I shouldn't, we shouldn't have to guess if what I see is what you actually feel.  The third, was a hum-dinger as I always tell my clients this.  And I quote, "when something goes wrong or you are unhappy about something, please give me the benefit of the doubt and let's talk about it!"  People act like nothing will ever go wrong and that's a complete lie.  Life is about overcoming wrongs!  I banked on this first conversation of wants.  I banked on it!

I have visions.  Visions that I don't understand at the time but I have visions.  Intuition.  As I type, I'm looking at the words "Shadow Box" on my wall.  Means nothing to you, but it shows that the answer is always right in front of you if you pay attention.  So back to my story. this person revealed their truth which I was thankful for but I was determined to stay the course.  It was hard mentally as I'm like wow.  Would I of even talked to them again years ago had I known?  IDK.  Probably a month passes and I had what I call a strong bad feeling as she asked me about someone she knew in the past asking her if it was ok to crash at the pad while he was in town.  My intuition was at an all time high!  Distrust seeped in and I was starting to show it.  My first thought was why is this person even bringing this foolishness to me?  You asking me about a guy wanting to crash that you had dealings with?  Come on?  Really?  You really think I'd be ok with that?  I shut down.  I was listening but I shut down!  The improbable nail in the coffin came a month later.  I was already on edge and a picture popped up that I didn't really wanna see.  Was it terrible?  Not really, but I didn't need that vision in my life at the time as I was trying to push past a few things.  I expressed displeasure but the picture stayed.  Admittedly every emotion that I wanted to share was closed off.  I wanted to say a lot but I couldn't.  My guards wouldn't let me, and the guards to my heart are bigger than I am and way meaner!  Fast forward and I was asked in probably the weirdest night of my life 2 things.  One was about marriage and to be honest, I was still in my mind focused on that but Heck no I didn't know if I wanted to right then.  We were still working ...and My plan was to continue working towards that goal.  That was the last time I saw her.  No seriously, I called, I text, emailed and even sent flowers.  Nothing.  A year later, I got a text that bugged the shit out of me and through that text I expressed everything that I had been holding back for a year.  On deaf ears.  I was pissed.  I hated this person.  All I wanted was a chance to explain last year.  Who knew that I'd never get a chance to even see them again.  And why are you willing to listen now?  I hated them.  I pushed past many things and I couldn't even get a conversation?

Writing helps me express myself as I'm not perfect.  I have flaws.  I have insecurities.  I'm human.  I was told once that I come across as nothing bothers me.  I'm always surprised by those comments because that tells me you don't really know me and If you feel that way, there's a good reason you don't know me.  I bleed, I laugh, I cry, I'm a real person!  I tell these stories as a cautionary tale of how situations can kick you in the throat.  We wake up and try again as we are hopeful.  I am hopeful.  I am ....well, Human!